Vigils Reading

A reading from

ST AELRED OF RIEVAULX

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For when in bitterness of soul

I view my former life,

it scares and frightens me that I should be called shepherd,

for I am surely crazy if I do not know myself

unworthy of the name.

Your holy mercy is upon me,

to snatch my wretched soul out of hell.

You show mercy as you will;

your pity succors him whom you are pleased to pity;

and such is your forgiveness of my sin,

that you do not avenge yourself by damning me,

nor do you even overwhelm me with reproaches;

and, even when you do accuse, you love me no less.

Nevertheless, I am disturbed and troubled,

for I am mindful of your goodness, yes—

but I am not unmindful of my own ingratitude.

See, then,

before you is my heart’s confession of the countless sins,

from which your mercy has been pleased to free my

hapless soul.

My whole heart renders thanks and praise to you

with all its might for all these benefits.

6 (CF 2 : 106-107).12

But I am no less in your debt

for all the evil things I have not done.

For, most assuredly, whatever evil thing

I have not done, it was your guiding hand

that made me abstain from doing it;

since either you took away the means to do it,

or else you corrected my inclination,

or gave me the power to resist.

But what am I to do, O Lord my God,

about the ills whereby, in your just judgment,

you suffer your servant, the son of your handmaiden,

still to be wearied and be overcome?

The things concerning which my sinful soul

is troubled in your sight, O Lord, cannot be counted;

yet, for all that,

neither my sorrow for them nor my care

to shun their repetition is as great

as they demand, and as my will desires.