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Wilt Thou Refuse Me? 4
From the private letters of St Teresa of Calcutta –Jan. 13th, 1947
One day at Holy Communion, I heard the same voice very distinctly – “I want…Victims of my love, who would be Mary & Martha. Who would be so very united to me as to radiate my love on souls. I want free nuns covered with my poverty of the Cross – I want obedient nuns covered with my obedience of the Cross. I want full of love nuns covered with the Charity of the Cross. Wilt thou refuse to do this for me?”
On another day. “You have become my Spouse for my Love – you have come to India for Me. The thirst you had for souls brought you so far. – Are you afraid to take one more step for your Spouse – for me – for souls? – Is your generosity grown cold – am I a second to you? You did not die for souls – that is why you don’t care what happens to them. – Your heart was never drowned in sorrow as was My Mother’s. We both gave our all for souls – and you? You are afraid that you will lose your vocation – you will become secular – you will be wanting in perseverance. – Nay- your vocation is to love and suffer and save souls and by taking this step you will fulfil my Heart’s desire for you – That is your vocation… You are I know the most uncapable person, weak & sinful, but just because you are that I want to use you, for my Glory! Wilt thou refuse?”
These words or rather this voice frightened me… I prayed long – I prayed so much – I asked Our Mother Mary to ask Jesus to remove all this from me. The more I prayed – the clearer grew the voice in my heart and so I prayed that He would do with me whatever he wanted. He asked again and again. Then once more the voice was very clear – “You have been always saying ‘do with me what ever you wish’ – Now I want to act – let me do it – my little Spouse – My own little one. – Do not fear – I shall be with you always. – You will suffer and you suffer now – but if you are my own little Spouse – the Spouse of the Crucified Jesus – you will have to bear these torments on your heart. – Let me act – Refuse me not – Trust me lovingly – trust me blindly.” “Little one give me souls… If you would only answer my call – and bring me these souls – draw them away from the hands of the evil one. – If you only knew how many little ones fall into sin everyday…”
This is what went on between Him and me during the days of much prayer. – Now the whole thing stands clear before my eyes… God is calling me – unworthy and sinful that I am. I am longing to give all for souls. They will all think me mad – after so many years – to begin a thing which will bring me for the most part only suffering – but He calls me also to join the few to start the work, to fight the devil and deprive him of the thousand little souls which he is destroying every day…
I long to be really only <for Jesus> – to burn myself completely for Him and souls. – I want Him to be loved tenderly by many… I am ready to do His will. Count not my feelings – count not the cost I would have to pay – I am ready – for I have already given my all to Him. And if you think all this a deception – that too I would accept – and sacrifice myself completely…
Pray for me. That I would become a religious according to His heart
4 Teresa, Mother. Come be my light: the private writing of the Saint of Calcutta / Mother Teresa. Ed. Brian Kolodiejchuk. New York: Doubleday, 2007. 47-52.