Vigils Reading – St Pius of Peitrelcina

A LETTER FROM PADRE PIO

TO HIS SPIRITUAL DIRECTOR

◊◊◊

I reply to your last letter after a slight delay, not because I felt less need to

speak to my father, but solely on account of the exceptional state of my health…

Your own letter…brought some slight relief to my poor soul, sufficient to make it

possible to bear – I do not say lightheartedly, but at least steadfastly – the cross

to which the Lord in his mercy has been pleased to subject me. For this may the

goodness of the heavenly Father ever be blessed…

I told you…that your letter, thank heaven, brought me a little relief. But I

submit to you also the very great terror I experienced when I learned that you

suspect those threats which I mentioned in my last. As you know, Father, I

would not wish to be a victim of the devil in anything whatsoever and although I

am more certain of the reality of those locutions than I am of my own existence,

I am still struggling against myself and protest that I want to believe nothing of

all this, for the sole reason that you, my director, have cast a doubt upon it. Am I

right or wrong in this?

You must know…that Jesus has not shown offense by any means at my

failure to attach importance to what he said and to give my accidental assent to

it. I say accidental to distinguish it from that deep and substantial conviction

which still endures after all the efforts of my soul not to believe it. I am not free

to divest myself of this conviction. What am I to do, Father? Am I unwittingly a

victim of the enemy? Enlighten me, for pity’s sake, on this point, which I too

would prefer to remain obscure.

How difficult…is the way of Christian perfection for a soul as ill-disposed

as mine! My wickedness makes me fearful at every step I take: may the good

God sustain me and prevent me from betraying him! I attach no importance at

all to this extraordinary state of mine. For this reason I never stop asking Jesus

to lead me by the ordinary path followed by everyone else, for I am well aware

that the way by which divine mercy is leading me is not suitable for my soul,

accustomed as it is to very material food. What I say to the Lord is that I am

seeking the amendment of my life, my spiritual resurrection, true and

substantial love, the sincere conversion of my whole self to him.

Speak to me at length, my dear Father, about all this and if you find me at

fault, do not keep silent. Raise your voice, punish me again: I want to love Jesus

as I should. I desire this love; I know I love him, but – dear God! – how inferior

my love is to my desire to love! Ought it not be the opposite, that my love should

surpass the desire for it? Speak to me about this, knowing as you do that it is one

of the many thorns which contribute to my spiritual martyrdom… I kiss your

hand and ask you not to refuse me your fatherly blessing.